The Lemon Beagle

Casual Friday.

2007-05-12T02:23:00.000-04:00

Cleveland had a surprising amount of activity going on tonight. A few of us got together for the Tremont ArtWalk, and checked out works created by local artists. It was nice, although I wish some of the smaller galleries would invest in air conditioning. In some of the more crowded spots, the high temperatures, older architecture, and Tremont-townies made for some "interesting" aromas.

After the ArtWalk, we met friends for dinner at Waterstreet Grill on West 9th—my second time in two days. Let me just say that Waterstreet is my new favorite restaurant. Great food, great service, and an extremely relaxed atmosphere made for a perfect night. I'm disappointed by how often I overlook this unique place, especially when it is about 10 feet from my apartment.

On our way out, we decided to walk past the former location of Cloud 9, which is now inhabited by a lounge named Anatomy. It looked very cool on the inside, except for the lone drunk girl dancing like Urkel to "Don't Cha" by The Pussycat Dolls. Ah, Cleveland. Some things will never change.

I would even take an Applebee's.

2007-05-10T02:43:00.000-04:00

If you know me, you’ve probably heard my tirade about the lack of mid-priced restaurants here in downtown. But on the chance that someone (read: a developer) from around Cleveland will hear my cries, I will share my thoughts once more:

1. Every restaraunteur who comes to downtown Cleveland mistakenly believes that this is New York City, despite the unemployment offices and empty lots throughout the city.
2. Naturally, this is because a number of fine dining spots are doing very well here—Metropolitan, Blue Pointe and Johnny’s to name a few.
3. Enterprisers have failed to recognize that this success is an exception and not the rule in Cleveland, especially when according to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median household income in Cleveland is just over $24,000.
4. People from surrounding cities and suburbs head to downtown for the fine dining spots, but generally dodge downtown like the plague for standard dining.
5. There are a number of mid-priced places here, but these places are far and few between. The Nauti Mermaid and Johnny Mango’s are examples of such restaurants.
6. What’s the ONLY restaurant downtown that consistently reaches max capacity? Sushi Rock. On half-priced-sushi night. What does this tell you?

Conclusion: We need more moderately-priced restaurants in downtown Cleveland.

A rare surprise.

2007-05-03T03:58:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, I am quite a movie Nazi.

I've just seen one too many movies re-hashing the same tired themes, flashy CGI and lame orchestral wind-ups. To make matters worse, going to the theater is typically more painful than going in for outpatient surgery. When did everyone decide that it was okay to talk throughout an entire film?

Thank goodness for the theater at Cedar-Lee and the Cleveland Cinematheque. They're part of a dying breed of theaters where you can still watch a great movie without telling people to shut up the whole night.

Allright, so enough of my ranting.

I went to see a movie called "Year of the Dog" yesterday, and it was one of the best films I've seen in a long time. I never thought I would say it, but Molly Shannon absolutely blew me away. To be honest, I don't have the time or energy to describe the plot in a way that would do it justice, but let me say that I rarely feel this way about a film these days. It recently debuted in a few cities and received tons of critical praise, and it just started playing here. I don't know how long it will be playing in Cleveland, but I urge you to watch it. Soon.

Grow your own zombies.

2006-10-04T10:45:00.000-04:00

Apparently, drugs can turn you into a Resident Evil extra. No Hollywood makeup or experience needed!

Faces of Meth

There's goodness in the world.

2006-06-21T00:56:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I forget how much a compliment or friendly word can mean to someone. As you probably know, I've applied to a number of law firms throughout the year. Like every law student, I am prepared for a slew of rejections, which arrive in thin envelopes with a quick letter stating something to the effect of: Dear Applicant: Thanks but no thanks. Best of luck! I even know someone who has kept every single rejection letter to remind him of the "struggle." Well, two days ago, I decided to submit my resume electronically to a number of job postings on the internet. Usually, one is lucky to get a rejection letter, much less any response at all. But today I checked my email and to my surprise, I had an message from one of the firms I had applied to. Here is the body of the message: Dear Zak: Thanks for your resume. What an interesting background you offer! I think, though, because we do no intellectual property, that we are not likely a good fit. God's blessings on you though as you seek where He would have you serve. Steve Burlingham I seriously re-read the message about 5 times before I realized it wasn't some colossal joke. A sincere rejection letter. The first I have ever received. Strangely, instead of feeling shitty, I felt, well...optimistic. I still can't recall applying to this firm, but this attorney not only read my apparently misdirected resume, but sent me an email when tons of other firms would have ignored me altogether. It just goes to show that a little bit of thoughtfulness goes a long way.

...mostly we ate.

2006-06-19T01:34:00.000-04:00

This weekend, Amber and I decided to do something totally different. So, the two of us went to none other than the THIRD ANNUAL DUCT TAPE FESTIVAL. This high-profile, ultra-exclusive event took place in the birthplace of duct tape- Avon, Ohio. In general, I am not a huge fan of festivals and fairs. This is mostly because of an awful experience I had on the Gravitron when I was much younger. (In case you don't know, the Gravitron is that spinning beast that pins you to a wall using the "magic" of physics). Anway, I am absolutely powerless to the delectible delights that only a low budget fair can provide. Nothing on planet earth is more glorious than a funnel cake or fried cheese-on-a-stick, and for this reason, the Duct Tape Festival sounded promising. Amber came over bright and early, and it was amazing outside. The fair had a bunch of different duct tape exhibits, live music and carnival games. We even took a picture in an "amazingly lifelike" re-creation of Hollywood made from...you guessed it, duct tape. We then walked around and examined each food vendor before plotting a binge strategy. From there, our afternoon consisted of nothing more than a shameless binge of slushees, gyros, funnel cakes, chocolate-covered bananas and more. In line for a funnel cake, I met a family who had never had one. I learned that they were from the West coast, and were unfamiliar with the funnel cake's intoxicating blend of flour, oil and sugar. Let's just say that I succesfully convinced them to try one of the Midwest's shining successes. I got a free roll of duct tape, and won a stuffed toy for the beagle to shred. Amber somehow won a big candle as well as some fake jewelery. All in all, it was a really fun day. Mostly this is because I had never even heard of the Duct Tape Festival. In parting, I'll leave you with this nugget that we spotted as we left.

Somewhere...a banjo plays.

2006-06-14T23:28:00.000-04:00

I couldn't have prepared for the ambush that awaited me yesterday. It seemed like any other normal day. My friends and I were sitting together discussing contemporary political and religious underpinnings of our country, when out of nowhere, one of them busts out a fiddle. Next thing I know, they are in overalls with no undershirts, dancing around with linked arms and passing around a jug with an XXX on it. ...Okay so that's not how it happened. But I distinctly heard a banjo play as I was conned into going on this camping "vacation." Thankfully, we've made an agreement that I believe I can live with. I am free to bitch and complain about this impending torture until the day of the trip. Only then must I be a team player, and smile as I try to fall asleep in a tent with eight -EIGHT- people who reek of whiskey and feet. Check out the website for the travel company that puts the camping tours together.

Raft World

Curb Moments

2006-06-11T02:06:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while I will be out with someone and have an incredibly awkard and almost unreal moment with a stranger. These strangers are typically customer service personnel or department store clerks, and the strange moments are seemingly pulled straight out of an episode of Curb Your Enthusiam. For those of you who haven't watched the show, it features a sucessful-but-unlucky man who frequently bumps into incredibly odd people and incredibly odd situations. A "Curb Moment," as I call it, is that moment when someone says or does something that literally makes you take a step back, largely from the sheer unbelievability of the situation. I have had many of these moments, and have decided to post them as they occur. So why am I writing about this now? Well, just a week or so ago I had a Curb Moment with the Grandels at an ADIDAS store and I am still laughing about it. We had all been in the store for a while, even talking with a few of the employees helping us out. We go to check out, and Ryan pays for a duffel bag he needed for work. Following this, I begin to pay for a pair of kicks I was excited to find for a steal. As the seemingly friendly saleswoman is handing me change from my cash purchase, and with the register OPEN, Amanda pulls out two dimes and a nickel and innocently asks "Can I give you this 25 cents for a quarter please?" No joke- The once friendly employee suddenly gets very stern and says "I'm sorry, no. That's against store policy." Amanda and I are at first bewildered by this statement. After a second we ask "Are you sure that's the policy if someone is PURCHASING something and the register is open?" The saleswoman again firmly says "Yes, I cannot give you change for any reason, that's the store policy." And with that, she shuts the register. The both of us just stood there stunned. That's a Curb Moment.

Goin' country

2006-06-06T01:33:00.000-04:00

I'm not exactly sure why, but all of my friends are "hankering" for a trip to the country. All of a sudden, everyone I know wants to go camping and white water rafting. This involves purchasing/locating a tent and supplies, driving 5 hours to Virginia, sleeping in the woods, and then riding the "rapids" all weekend. Now, I'm no stranger to many country delights. I've gone fishing a bunch of times, and hell, I actually enjoy it. I've also eaten the scrambled-egg skillet at Cracker Barrel on a number of occasions. And last summer, believe it or not, I went RAPPELLING and liked it. I've included a photograph as proof of this activity. It appears as though everyone I know is under some strange hypnotic spell. Doesn't ten hours of driving and unrelentless paddling down a raging river seems more like...work? ...I say we skip the canoes and go to Chicago for the weekend.

Craziness!

2006-06-05T08:22:00.000-04:00

The other night I was out eating with a few of my buddies when the craziest thing happened! My one friend looked up from his plate and proclaimed "BEEF!" Then my other friend shouted "RIBS" in this deep and loud voice! Following that, the friend sitting next to me yelled "PORK!" Next thing I knew, I couldn't resist and stuck up my fork and shouted "SAUSAGE!" Then we all laughed like it was the funniest thing that had ever happened! We felt so cool! **In case you don't know, this is based on that ridicuously retarded commercial for T.G.I. Friday's that runs 20 times a day.

West Virginia is for lovers, too.

2006-06-04T04:05:00.000-04:00

This is from a real West Virginian wedding. Notice how human-like these strange creatures appear.

Dog years.

2006-05-26T18:00:00.003-04:00

Most of us are familiar with the 7 to 1 ratio for calculating a dog's age based on human years. However, I recently read that the formula is not a very accurate one, and is being replaced with the following formula: 1. The first year of a dog's life represents 15 human years. 2. The second year represents 10 years. 3. For every year following, add 3 years. According to this formula, a 10 year old dog would be 49 years old (15+10+24). On a related note, I really don't know why anyone gives a damn how old a dog is based on human years. Enjoy!

The sitcom formula.

2006-05-26T17:43:00.000-04:00

As you probably know, I have a very erratic sleep schedule. When I'm staying up late, I typically sit in bed and watch way too many 80s reruns. In fact, I believe I've become quite the connoisseur of old sitcoms, and as such, I have noticed a disturbing reality: all sitcoms, no matter how different, will have at least one episode in which the following plot "twist" occurs: 1. A lead character will undoubtedly be trapped in an elevator at a highly inconvenient time. Occurring simultaneously will either be a child birth or an earthquake. Often a wedding is involved. 2. Someone will bump their head or fall down and suffer from short-term amnesia, but will remember the location of everything in the house, and retain all motor functions. The only memories lost will be those of other lead characters, which will tearfully return within the final minutes of the show. 3. A lead character will give birth, forcing us to watch a simulated birthing session that invariably includes the soon-to-be mother turning to the man who knocked her up and screaming "You did this to me." 4. Not really a plot twist per se, but every sitcom starring a married black couple will unmistakably co-star 2 to 3 children of an oddly questionable and genetically impossible ethnic background. 5. Someone will die, resulting in an episode in which the cast goes to pay respects at a funeral. Hilarity will ensue. 6. A lead character will go to court for a soon-to-be-dropped charge, and address the judge as though he/she were a shoe shiner. There will be dancing or other wildly unusual antics in the courtroom.

Yipeee.

2006-05-22T15:57:00.000-04:00

Finally...can it be? A sunny day in Cleveland? I'm trying to arrange a grill out with some friends, because I'm not wasting one second of it. Also, it's always nice to have friends with driveways for some auto-detail action. Now if only my bastardly friends would answer their phones. Their jobs are so inconvenient for me!

Class central!

2006-05-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

And who is this elegant lady? Believe it or not, it's Coco, wife of rapper-turned-actor, Ice-T. She has clearly mastered the art of showing just enough skin to keep men guessing, without looking trashy.

Your uncle was on television last night.

2006-05-17T22:51:00.000-04:00

Did anyone see the Dateline this Wednesday night? You probably didn't because it was on at the same time as American Idol, but they ran an episode of the "To Catch a Predator" series. In case you haven't heard, Dateline works with a group of people who use an extremely young looking 19-year old to lure in heat-seeking adults. We're not talking 18 and 19 year olds though. The guys who show up to the house are in their 40s or 50s, and sometimes drive as far as four hours to get there. When they do show up, the jail-bait (literally) stands behind a door and says "hold on, I'm just putting on my bra and panties," and when the perv gets to the living room, the Dateline hosts comes out and starts grilling them. It was honestly insane. Almost all the guys had condoms and liquor on them, and almost all of them claimed to be there "to talk." One guy even got naked in the doorway before he walked in. Seriously. The host gave him a towel before the grilling began. The even scarier thing is that most of the guys looked like normal, safe individuals. If you live in Gaddiston, Alabama.

Better in theory.

2006-05-15T15:44:00.000-04:00

After working out today, I went back to my apartment to take Brooklyn on a walk. It's been raining for the past 4 or 5 days, and when the weather is bad I usually just stand under the awning covering the main entrance of my building while he walks around and decides where to drop a deuce. Well, earlier I had heard that grating Natasha Beddington song about feeling the rain on your skin, and decided to give it a shot. I walked out from under the awning and proceeded to walk the dog in the middle of a downpour. After approximately 2 minutes of walking around with a dumb grin on my face, I started asking myself "is that bitch crazy?" I was soaking wet and insanely cold- even the dog wanted back inside. How is old Natasha possibly rejoicing in the video? My brief research is over, and despite what she says, someone else CAN "feel it for you." Just ask the guy with a flat tire outside my building.

Movie night.

2006-05-13T22:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I watched a movie called The Squid and the Whale, and I really liked it. The movie is about this married couple with two odd kids, and their strange divorce. It's got some twisted humor in it (I didn't know Jeff Daniels was such a good actor), and these unique shots where the camera pans away from the actor who is speaking, to show the confusion and distraction that the drama is creating. I know you're still trying to make time to watch the Oscar-caliber Big Momma's House 2, but see this one if you get a chance. On a related note, I am still trying to shake the horror of King Kong, one of the dumbest movies I've had the misfortune of watching. When you get Blockbuster by mail, you find yourself watching lots of second and third (and fourth) choice films.

Living on a prayer.

2006-05-12T13:16:00.000-04:00

When I woke up today, I looked outside my windows and saw the all too-familiar scene of rain, gray sky and wind. Downtown looked miserable, and almost instinctively, I began the even more-too-familiar process of reminding myself of all the "huge improvements" taking place around the city. The Euclid Avenue project and the renovation of the Flats are the first that come to mind. But seriously, these projects are just starting to become too little, too late. I've realized that for the optimistic group of people living in Cleveland, these impending developments help us to look past some of the major problems surrounding this place. What kind of downtown has no shopping whatsoever? And don't even mention Tower City, or as I call it, "the world's grandest bus stop." And did anyone ever notice that Cleveland has tons of waterfront land (more than Chicago believe it or not) that I can see exactly three feet of? Don't get me wrong. I love living downtown. In fact, I've never enjoyed living in any part of Ohio more. There are some great benefits to living here, but there needs to be some major overhauls, and I feel like so many people down here are living on a prayer, of better things to come. On a side note, I wish this city would shell out a few bucks for an environmental architect (I think that's what you call them?). We need to maximize the positives of this place, and our lake views have been flushed down the toilet. Also, if you ever go to Cityview Commons, a large new plaza off of 480, don't drive behind it. It will infuriate you. When you pull in to the front of the plaza, you are greeted with acres of crappy parking lots and plain storefronts. Drive behind the plaza, and LITERALLY, 10 feet behind it, is one of the most fantastic views I have ever seen in Ohio in my life. You are almost level with the horizon, and can see the entire valley, with miles of grass and trees below you, while looking directly at the enormous sky. I still can't believe someone developed the plaza facing AWAY from this beautiful sight, but this kind of decision seems to happen often around here. ...Okay. Enough complaining.

Do you know who this is?

2006-05-11T22:26:00.000-04:00

I couldn't tell who this was at first. I'll give you a hint though- she recently had a nose job that she refuses to comment on, though you may have noticed that she's been looking pretty fine these days.

The power of editing.

2006-05-11T16:03:00.000-04:00

Click on these links and watch these recut movie trailers. They're made by piecing together different parts of the original film in order to suggest the movie is about something else...just watch them and you'll see what I mean. The Sleepless in Seattle one is just awesome.

The Shining

Sleepless in Seattle

Brokeback to the Future

I want my hour back.

2006-05-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

Today I traveled down to the suburbs for a grill out with some friends. Again, I was supposed to be studying all day, but it was just so nice and sunny out. When I got the call, I gave in faster than your mom on prom night. Anyway, after we were all done eating "GOURMET VENISON BURGERS" we sat around and watched David Blaine's breath-holding special. I just gotta say that ABC owes me one hour of federally funded student loans. What possessed the guy to sit in water for a week is beyond me, and the drama building up to his attempt at setting a record for holding his breath was beyond absurd. I normally love Blaine though, especially when he levitates above the ground- it is seriously freaky. But these new stunts like starving for 44 days or sitting in ice are only enjoyable for Blaine. Who gives a damn how long he can float in water? However, if you did happen to watch it, wasn't it kind of eerie to see him start to swallow water and pass out at seven minutes?

It's been a while.

2006-05-07T20:04:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been so long, kiddies. I haven't been around the past few days, but rest assured, this blog will live on...FOREVER. I hope everyone is doing well, but frankly I have nothing interesting to post. I have my last final of the semester this Thursday and I cannot wait to be done with it. My only problem is studying, or more accurately, my inability to study. It has been so nice around C-town lately that I can find almost any reason to skip preparing for my final, including, but not limited to: 1. Contemplating what I would have for my last meal if I was on death row. 2. Watching nearly-unbearable Who's the Boss reruns. 3. Organizing the fridge. 4. Playing online Tetris. 5. Building cars online. 6. Eating my weight in chocolate-covered raisins (yet I hate them?) As you can see, not too much has been going on in my life. But things should change after Thursday. Also, I start my new job next week, though I have yet to go in and finalize my hours and pay. Here's hoping they don't pay me in food stamps.

Getting older.

2006-05-01T04:35:00.000-04:00

Doesn't it make you feel really old when they play shows on Nick at Nite that you swear were just on television? I remember as a kid, Nick at Nite played classic black and white shows like I Love Lucy. Now they play shows like Roseanne and Full House. Can those shows really be over a decade old? Was Full House always that awful? Watching the Olson kids "act" literally makes me ill-how was America ever captivated by dazed 3-year olds slurring the words "you got it, dude" while staring into space? On a related note, isn't it a bit depressing when you "fondly recall memories of your youth" when VH1 classic plays music videos?

Finals-Mode Continues.

2006-05-01T04:11:00.000-04:00

My mother and sister spent a few days with me in Cleveland this week, and for the first time ever, it didn't rain once during their visit. Other than that, my life has pretty much consisted of studying for finals. My first exam is on Wednesday, so wish me luck. In the meantime, I thought I'd leave you with this picture of Brooklyn I took the other day.

Two down, one to go.

2006-04-26T04:35:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day of classes as a second-year law student. As soon as my teacher wrapped things up in class, I booked it to my car, and as I closed the door I exhaled a long sigh of relief. I can't believe that this feeling has been a part of my life for so long. It seems as though I've been a student forever, but in reality, I have. The feeling of knowing that class is over (for the summer at least) is the best. I have one more year of law school remaining, one more year of studying and finals. I am ready to start a career and close the chapter of my life that is school. As my final year starts, I know I'll be a little sad...student life is pretty pampered. But it will be nice to make money for working instead of spending money to work.

Modern homelessness.

2006-04-25T15:45:00.000-04:00

By "gift" he means a soiled tissue and a dixie cup. If I didn't know any better, I would swear that's Heath Ledger. Thanks for the picture Lindsay. I can see that your neighborhood hasn't cleaned up too nicely.

Various thoughts.

2006-04-24T10:07:00.001-04:00

I haven't had any good ideas for posts lately and have no idea why. With finals coming up and a few papers due, I think I may have hit a slump. But just to keep things interesting I'll share some recent thoughts. 1. Gray's Anatomy is a great show even though I am too lazy to keep up with it. 2. Target is raising the prices of too many of its items and I believe it may alienate its key market. $80 for a chair? 3. Egg McMuffins are a delicious gift from God. Limited breakfast hours are a punishment from Satan. 4. People in downtown Cleveland urinate in the weirdest places. I know two females (who will go unmentioned) who have peed in the parking lot of my building, and recently saw a man peeing on the side of my building at 3 in the morning. 5. At the dog park, people will talk to you warmly about their dogs as though you have been best friends for years. But an unofficial law forbids any other personal conversation, such as exchanging names or career information. 6. I have tried to finish a USA today crossword puzzle for years, but have only come close once.

Thanks Adcom!

2006-04-18T18:41:00.000-04:00

I pulled this from another website- you seriously cannot make this stuff up. Someone must have lost their job for this one.

Overrated.

2006-04-17T17:44:00.000-04:00

A short list of things that I am slightly tired of. Molton Lava Cake. OK, I get it. It takes 20 minutes to prepare, so order early. Woohoo. I feel like such a celebrity. Scarlett Johansen. Lost in Translation was good. Note the word "good." Blogs. Just to intercept the obvious post headed my way. Punked. Am I seriously supposed to believe that Ashley Parker Angel didn't know he was being punked when a f*#!@% two-ton gorilla cornered his wife in Los Angeles? Personalization. The grocery store now has 200 varieties of every product on its shelf. What happened to good ol' white vs. wheat bread, or crunchy vs. smooth peanut butter? Even electronics are unbearable these days. Want an iPod? Good luck deciding on which one of the 38 versions you want to buy. Desperate Housewives. Just because you give a show the same title as a skin flick does not make it interesting. Neither does filling it with a bunch of waspy 50-year olds. Satellite Radio. No one I know listens to XM or Sirius and I've heard nothing about Howard Stern's new show. Looks to me like the FCC is having the last laugh. Crest SpinBrush. Poor people rejoice! Technology once available exclusively to the "elite" is now available to us for under 7 bucks! Do the elite enjoy a toothbrush that sprays toothpaste all over the sink and mirror? Do they enjoy storing a 3 pound toothbrush that squeals like an electrocuted cat? Probably.

New Jersey Residents Report Strange Sightings.

2006-04-16T02:42:00.000-04:00

As New Jersey ushered in a public smoking ban this Saturday, confused residents called local authorities to report strange "white apparitions" floating against an eerily blue backdrop. It turns out that this confusing sight was none other than the sky, a first glimpse for many New Jerseyanites previously living under the hazy fog caused by both heavy smoking and Aqua Net fumes. Seriously though, when will Ohio create a similar ban? How is it possible that everything I go out I am forced to breath in secondhand smoke and come back home smelling like a prostitute's tube top? I don't know if there are people lobbying for this here, but if so, SIGN ME UP.

Bullshit killed the video star.

2006-04-15T01:12:00.000-04:00

Do music videos exist anymore? I clearly see channels marked VH1 and MTV on my cable lineup, yet both of these channels have ceased to be involved with anything remotely pertaining to music. Don't get me wrong, I like True Life and a couple other series on MTV. But VH1 is absolutely sickening. Outside of the hilarious show Flava of Love, VH1 has become the new "E!" channel, consisting of B-list quasi-celebrities commenting on pop culture. Do I give a shit how much Britney Spears spends on Frappucinos? Or where Ashton Kutcher buys his vintage underwear? The formula used on half of these shows is so tired that I cannot stomach it anymore. Show a clip of something "funny," have three nobodies make obvious and contrived jokes. Rinse. Repeat. I seriously see two music videos a month.

The finer things.

2006-04-12T01:32:00.000-04:00

Some things really make life worth living. Here are a few of my favorites: *Chinese take-out. When I'm starving and just don't have it in me to make something, my China Sea delivery man will pedal through rain or snow to bring me chicken lo mein and crab rangoon. God bless the USA. *The beach. I cannot put into words how much I love the ocean, the sun and white sand. To me, winning the lottory is synonymous with moving to the beach. Sleeping in the sand and waking up to jump in the water is a genuine luxury. *Los Angeles. Trendy. Modern. Cultured. Enough said. *Dogs. Call me crazy, but they rock. Who else's life begins when you get home, and ends when you leave? If you've never had a dog, you just won't understand. *Reunions. You know those days when a few of your recently-moved friends come back to visit, and next thing you know, you're entire college class is going out to party together? When you go out with so many people that it's both embarrasing and the best time of your life? I love those days. *Summer. Did I mention that I hate the word "windchill factor"? *Cadbury easter eggs. Why do these precious pearls of joy only surface once a year? Instead of all this talk about immigration, we should be looking at the serious issues- proper storage of these delectable treats for November consumption.

The most frequently stolen car is...

2006-04-08T23:59:00.000-04:00

...the Camry? I don't know whether to be shocked or dissapointed. Apparently, Camry models made between 1985 and 1997 are the most frequently stolen cars in the country. Who the hell steals a Camry? Have you seen an '85 Camry? I'm surprised you could give them away. While on the subject of beaters, I am reminded of a recent conversation I had with Amanda about our friends' past cars. After some consideration, we determined that Ryan's 1992 Chevy Cavalier and Amber's 1990-something Ford Probe had to be the worst rides we've known. Ah, those were the days. If anyone else has had a special beater that merits some mentioning, please fill us in.

I heart good design.

2006-04-07T22:09:00.000-04:00

Nothing beats good design. Check out this ring I was reading about. Unable to buy a large diamond for his girlfriend, industrial designer Edouard Larmaraud created the Trompe L'oeil ring. Suspended over the stone is a magnifying lens. Nice.

Strike up the gland!

2006-04-07T13:39:00.000-04:00

This has to be the single worst invention for women this dedade. How many times have you been in a public place and spotted a young "lady" in a dirty tank top with one of these patches stuck to a hanging piece of back fat? Usually rounding out the sweet ensemble is a pair of too-tight-even-at-size-14 jeans with a questionable brown stain on the rear, and formerly white flip flops now filthy from drunken nights at Sullly's. Maybe I'm alone on this, but when I see a 20-something proudly showing off one of these patches, I am forced to assume she is a whore. It is possible that I have confused the birth control patch with a nicotine patch once or twice, but honestly, the same description applies. As summer rolls around prepare to see alot of these, especially if you are headed to Cedar Point, or any location in Cuyahoga Falls.

Designer STDs

2006-04-05T04:17:00.000-04:00

Has anyone else noticed that every single herpes or genital wart advertisement has attractive, 20-something yuppies running through the woods or watching a sunset? Since when is having an STD a trip to J.Crew? Crab-infested singles are not outside enjoying nature in mock turtlenecks. They are inside run-down apartments, getting nasty and smoking Virginia Slims. You've come a long way baby!

Interesting question.

2006-04-03T11:19:00.000-04:00

Read this question, then click on "comments" to see the answer. This is NOT a trick question. A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? Give this some thought before you answer.

Joe Simpson must be up to something.

2006-04-03T04:06:00.000-04:00

Nick and Jessica keep bouncing from one b-list celebrity to the next. ...but do they really? Here's my thought on the newlyduds. Both former pseudo-celebrities, Newlyweds put the couple on the map. They made it through two or three seasons, but it was clear that their star was fading. Joe Simpson, the maniac manager and borderline incestor couldn't be too happy about this. Here's my thought: Realizing that the limelight was fading, Nick and Jessica stunted a divorce, guaranteeing them some new press. As an added bonus, being seen with other "significant others" would lead to more press. But then, when it would appear they were slipping out of Hollywood permanently...BOOM! A REUNION SPECIAL. That's right, a Nick and Jessica reunion special, showing the inability of the "lovebirds" to be apart. Full media coverage, a fresh season of reality television and a special duet album titled "Second Chances." Crazier things have happened, and I wouldn't put it past these two.

But it tastes so good...

2006-04-01T11:56:00.000-05:00

Chipotle rocks. That delicate balance of seasoned hot chicken with cool sour cream and cheese, slathered in fresh salsa is perfection. Almost. Unbeknownst to many, Chipotle is bad for you. I mean real bad. Click on the title of this post and see for yourself. I warn you, it may taint your Chipotle-love permanently. My "usual" packs a cool 55 grams of fat and 131 carbs. Now that's healthy eating!

Wowza.

2006-04-01T00:53:00.000-05:00

I hate to admit it, but I kind of want to see Basic Instict 2. Why you ask? Believe it or not, it's not the first class acting or the compelling story! Sharon Stone looks hot... how is this woman 48 years old? I was watching television today and apparently the movie went through a number of edits to prevent an NC-17 rating (as well as a number of directors and script changes). I guess I'm interested in seeing just how shocking this movie is. Every once in a while, you feel like watching a movie that you know is going to be horrible. How else would The Pirates of the Caribbean have been so succesful?

A random thought.

2006-03-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

Today I read that Ryanair, an airline based in Ireland, is offering half of the seats on its planes for free. Suprisingly, this move has led to a 300 percent increase in profits. The secret to this highly successful strategy? Selling advertising space all over the plane, on places such as seat backs. It got me thinking about this new generation of advertising, and the many ways companies are branding things. Back in the day, you could get free internet if you surfed with a big advertising bar on the top of your screen. Today, television networks are inconspicuously placing products throughout a show to get some major dollars. There are even people signing contracts to wear branded shirts or drive endorsement cars, serving as living billboards. Now I know what you're thinking- big whoop. But think about this. If companies spend advertising dollars to provide us with luxuries like airfare and internet, hell, even mp3 players, what will OUR dollars be used for? I think in the future, money will be spent to obtain the new luxury: advertising-free products. To ride on a plane unlittered with advertisements will cost money. To watch movies free of product placements will cost money. Technology may one day be available to all, but only those with money will have luxuries free of a giant Coca Cola logo.

Senior citizens love American Idol

2006-03-21T18:56:00.000-05:00

Has anyone been following American Idol this season? Apparently AARP has sponsored the show, because this egghead-looking, napolean dynogeek has made it into the top twelve. How does this sort of thing happen? How did this Clay Aiken clone get so many votes? For that matter, how the hell did Clay Aiken get any votes at all? I have given this serious thought, and the only possible explanation is that every old person in the country is anxiously clutching a rotary phone and voting despite the crippling arthritic pain. I just cannot believe that anyone my age likes this kid. Every week his mother sobs throughout his whole performance, but this is likely from flashbacks of that massive cranium passing through her loins. Yikes...that had to hurt.

Running Bird: "You are not a f@!#$ Native American"

2006-03-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

At the annual Native American Summit, Head Chief Running Bird spoke out on the tainting of his ancestry. Tired of every white-as-a-cracker American claiming Indian roots, the Chief stated: "Stop telling people that you are Irish, Welsh, Polish and...oh, part Native American. You are not a f*@!#$* Native American." He then explained that if every person who ever claimed to be "part-Indian" actually was, there would not be roughly 300 registerd Native Americans, living on some "crappy reservation." Polls have shown that roughly 98% of Americans claim Native American ancestry, an undisputed scientific impossibility. "Part-Native American" has become the everyman's minority, a way to show that though your ancestors may have done some hideous things in the past, you sympathize with the Indians, as your great-great-great grandfather once raped one.

It hurts to type.

2006-03-13T17:08:00.000-05:00

I've been told that I look like Lou Ferrigno. Seriously, ask the Grandel. So I've decided to take one step closer to "being lou" by beginning a work out regimen. I did 25 minutes of cardio on the elliptical machine, and then worked out my chest and arms. You are supposed to pace yourself...and I thought I was. I realized that I had perhaps started out too strong when I got out of the shower and yelled in agony as I tried to lift the towel to my hair. But I'm not giving up- I actually feel great now, except for the burning sensation in my arms as I write this out.

Parma's Birth Rate Drops

2006-03-13T17:01:00.000-05:00

19 Action News, always reporting the hottest stories, has just informed me that the Parma public high school has initiated a new dress code that prohibits teenage girls from wearing shirts that show midriff or cleavage. I see a serious constitutional issue here. Without midriff, how will sophisticated and morally upstanding Parmatons reproduce? This is a serious dilemma for the people of Parma.

The 10 spot

2006-03-11T13:36:00.000-05:00

The other day I caught an episode of the Real World and realized that either the show is getting dumber, or I'm getting older. There was some chic on there who weighed about 20 pounds, completely desperate for attention about her eating disorder. Was the Real World always so annoying or is it just me? On the other had, when was The Gauntlet ever this interesting?

How many fingers and toes can you count?

2006-03-11T04:22:00.000-05:00

Spring Break...sucks.

2006-03-10T15:07:00.000-05:00

People all over the country are getting together right now to go party it up. Apparently, I am not one of those people. What happened to all of my friends? Where did they all go? Why is everyone old and working? Who knows. In the meantime, why don't you post a funny spring break story? You know, like the time you woke up next a heavyset tranny, covered in a pool of vomit and other bodily fluids. Nice memories like that.